Corporate Wedding

Most frustrating thing about a Prod Release is it’s schedule.……it’s somehow planned(even if it’s accidental) for the same week/day for which you planned a leave like eons ago; maybe for your best friend’s wedding fixed for the same dates, where you were going to be the star of his “Bachelor Party” OR your wife’s expected delivery date doc had given when he had confirmed your wife’s pregnancy (Yeah I know this one is quite an exaggeration), but you got the point, eh??

Widely n most commonly, there’re two ways of doing things 1) right way, or 2) wrong way; but here, in India, there is another way ---

the Desi way………

The right way ensures timely delivery and best quality, however, even Desi way meets most of the standards; the only exception being the quality (which however generates more work….and in turn, more billing).

I feel Production release is like a wedding, where you are the father of the would-be bride (……unfortunately……), and it feels easier to trace Osama than finding a groom for your daughter because she is the frustrated version of “Ugly Betty”.

Even if you ignore these “LITTLE” accidents, and try to be at peace with the happenings around you, a few other elements, try in every possible way, to make your life miserable…….and one such element is Mr. Release Kapoor (the so-called “onsite coordinator”). He emerges suddenly from his prolonged hibernation to make his appearance…….and starts asking questions, which actually should have been asked 2-3 months ago, at the start of the whole thing.

So now, you have a pile of baseless questions, and Mr. AWESOME Kumar on the top of it all (with his Out-of--Box oops Kick-the-Box suggestions on how to make a release SUCKS-A**-FULL.....at least I feel so). However, even this doesn’t seem to be enough, so the height’s his boss, Mr. IEMA (I’m Even More AWESOME), who keeps recalling the pathetic old stories of his daughter’s marriage, sorry, Prod releases.

Then you have a few more buggers, the technologically challenged people mostly known as the “Client”……..who silently vowed to nag you day and night till the work gets done to his satisfaction.

And at the centre of this vicious circle is you, stuck in the middle of nowhere, praying for a Tsunami or an earthquake so that the office premises collapse then and there, and you are free of all bounds [but but (.....take one more.....) but……if your prayers were so easily accepted, then you would have been the adopted child of the MD of your company]………..So well, let’s rewind this scene, you start motivating yourself remembering the movie “300” and yelling “THIS IS SOFTTTWAAAREEEE”

And all this makes you write your Desi version of “Two Cures for Love” by Wendy Cope

1. Don't see him. Don't phone or write a letter.

2. The easy way: get to know him better.

Here it goes : “Two Cures for Prod Release” by Me

1. Don't see requirements. Don't make code changes or handle any matter.

2. The easy way: Prepare for GMAT and Place yourself better.

................Suitable Candidate................

$10….oh…..$10, it’s not a big amount for you and me……but it matters a lot for lots of people (…..Hey…..stop guessing……I’m not going to write about the impact of $10 on Indian economy).

Lately I realized that it’s a really big thing, since I got a service request, in which for a particular customer, our system billed $10 amount extra in bill…….and this DesD (Desperate dog) reported this issue as well.

The billing system which is chronologically some 25 years old, but I must say LOGICALLY, I think this was designed Before Christ……. You do a Scuba diving and after some time you feel that you are lost.

Finding an analogy is almost similar to logically connecting all your dreams from past 1 year or maybe 2 (seriously…..I swear). Every day for 10-12 times you feel like “What am I doing, why I am wasting my life doing this crap?” but after a short while, you just resume doing those doings you had questioned yourself about.

We are totally programmed to find logic; and for any logical absence……we start feeling frustrated.

I think every damn thing is like my Billing system…….which commits some mistake so that you do a scuba-diving……….and play a hide-and-seek to really find oneself.

And every DesD keeps raising issue for every $10 to help you realize nothing is sane here……………….

………..I think we all are a “Suitable Candidate” for mental research………..

Quick Blog Murugan......MIND it!!!

Ummm.......Well, I had different idea for this post, but my internet connection was not working since the time I posted my last blog, and it happened to be so long that I could not hold that idea !!!! However, internet connection was not the only reason, the main reason was RGV (don't tell me that you don't know him.......)

The reason was Ramu's movie actually......it disturbed me so much, that I even forgot the idea of my original post.

When I was in college, RGV was one of those whom I looked upto........for his sense of movie-making used to be something out of the box. After watching his movies only I came to know that
perfection on random issues is not so important, instead presenting random issue's in a picture perfect image is of importantance thing (Seems he himself has forgotten this.....and kicked the box....[:P]).

I was watching "Darna mana hai" the other day, but I constantly kept thinking that the name of the movie should have been "Hasna mana hai"........Well, I think the problem started from this movie itself. People mocked at him so much after watching this movie; Ramu made it a mission to horrify the viewers by his movies, and this didn't lead him to directing a good horror film; instead it worked the other-way-round. People started fearing watching his movies (at least I am sure for myself.....[:P]).


Well, I won't stretch this post on Ramu further long, otherwise I'm sure, people will start fearing my blog just as another "RGV's Aag". But I'd like to convey my message to Ramu "Rascalaa I should have taught you how to direct......MIND it!!!!!"

I just wrote this last line because lately I watched "Quick Gun Murugun"........which is an AWESOME movie......and it definitely deserves a watch.....I Say!!!


And I must also say.....
The blogger.com is my bed (bed (bed (bed (bed))))!!
The google is my ceiling....!!
and the whole internet is my native place......Mind it!!!

deWine Flu..........

Well, guys, what to say…..I know you all must have become repositories of knowledge on Swine Flu…

So, I’m not going to give you any more Gyan on the same….

The thing I am going to comment on, is the fever created around by this flu fever….

Yeah, the fever of publicity, stardom, unnecessary panic and everything absurd that’s become hap all of a sudden.

Now, you might be thinking I’ve gone crazy or something, but, the matter of fact is that I’m as sane as anybody who bargains with a shopkeeper despite reading a board of Fixed Price.

The irony of the situation is that the people, despite being afraid of this flu, are having a secret wish of being hit by it (at least few like me :P)…..Reason is well justified, you might get a chance to be interviewed by a newspaper daily, or a RJ or somebody might see you as a brave-hearted hero who fought-off the ruddy flu as a villain.

I’m saying this, with full sympathy extended to all the people who suffered or are suffering the loss of health and money.

But, the truth is, the common masses do not feel the pain, panic and loss, instead, they feel jealous of the publicity of the other individual.

In addition to this, there’s another picture, of the corporate crowd; who secretly wishes to be down with any fever, Coz that’s the only way to get much wanted off from work for a while, with full hearted permission from superiors and co-workers.

The situation has worsened to the level, where, at the work place, people who want to escape heavy workloads, start showing-off symptoms of flu.

This is just sufficient to terrify the co-workers, and the workload simply becomes zero, with your manager pleading to give you an as many leaves as you desire.

I just pray, from the bottom of my heart, that one of the board members or chairpersons is down with flu, and a corporate holiday is declared, because though I don’t want to be hit by the flu looking at it’s after-effects, but am desperate to get a break from work…….AMEN!!

Beginner's Guide: Welcome to the Jungle

The story goes like this......There is a prince charming, who appears in every girl's dreams. He is the prince who comes to the rescue of the damsel in distress, and typically must engage in a quest to liberate her from an evil spell.......and they live happily ever after......(Ohhh my god!!! what's going on here......could somebody please "REWIND").

There's no such thing now-a-days.......HELLO EVERYBODY.....get back to reality.

When I was in college......I used to think the same way ( ob'vi·ous·ly....not about the prince charming and all....) but being a software guy is like a prince charming, who appears in every girl's dreams (at least in small towns....NO....then in very small town.....come on!!); the one who comes to rescue the client from every Functional Requirement.........With this great motivation, I laid the foundation stone
of my professional career with an inscription on the stone indicating "as KFC is for chicken, I'll be there for end to end solution" (the one who know me.....please stop laughing).
In almost every company, there's a Fresher Learning Program.....I MUST TELL U....which is very-very rigorous (don't laugh). I sweared on myself that whatever it takes, I'm going to top this FLP......yeah... but it didn't workout. However, the girl who topped my FLP is now my girlfriend (so you can say I partially achieved my target).
After FLP, I was allocated to Project and I came across the reality which had different picture few years ago [glass shredding(guys, feel the sound)].

> Manager : His Name might be whatever, but he thinks he is AWESOME Kumar. He knows GOD left this place many years ago.....and while leaving, gave him the responsibility to take care of everything. He is the Pimp, who thinks you are the whore. Any assigned task is like indulging in "seks" and which means it shouldn't last for more then 10 minutes. So after every 10 Min's, you should be ready to entertain the new customer.

> Then we have a middle man.....he is famously known as PL or GL or Whoever's L. But this guy is a piece of art. He has got so damn excellent acting skills, that if you are standing on his left side and his boss (AK) is standing on the right, then from his left face he can give the angry man look, and from the right he can give a boot licking look to AWESOME kumar. This git is expert in creation of his replica's.

> On site : It's like a beautiful chic, everyone wants to have; but like ghosts, only few brave hearts can see them.

> Assmosis : These can be described as "some who have so much respect for their superiors, they have none left for themselves".

Then, once again, comes the Prince Charming, who's fed up and shocked of his shattered dreams, and has started blogging, hoping to expose all the above.

The poetry in motion!!!

All most three and half years ago (I'm trying to make it historic) I promised siddhu that one day I'll give you company for Mumbai trip. On this random Saturday, we packed our bags and started our journey to Mumbai.

Of all the pleasures in the world (Literally), travel is (at least in my opinion) the sweetest and most delightful; it's more delightful when it's unplanned. Although "unplanned things" and siddhu are rare combination :P.

Awesome Saturday, followed by a wonderful Sunday, and My heart was singing U2's "it's a beautiful day". Though I have been to Mumbai many times before, but the scope of my visits has always remained limited to a random bar and Sid sir's flat.

Sometimes random roaming is such a fun, it gives the feeling of "being a bird". Sid sir, Pia, Ravy, Siddhu and me, started invading Mumbai with SONY alpha SLR (showoff.... hmmm).

I must tell you, that newly constructed Bandra-Worli sea link gives you the feel of Outsourced New York, however, the only problem in Mumbai is that you sweat like hell (it reminds you of the "post-work-out" feeling [;)].....).

A wonderful Sunday followed by an AWESOME Monday (at least for Siddhu), we did lots of shopping........LITERALLY lots of. Then I had chicken wings at KFC. Sometimes, in Pune, in the middle of the night, I lie awake listening to the sounds of crows and traffic, and dream of those chicken wings. They're really good.

It was a fabulous time despite the fact that it had been a dry day. I'm desperately waiting for another such trip.................. :)))) especially to GOA....

PS: this photo was shot by me (isn't AWESOME......yeah I know that)

BUT there is always a but

Corporate parties sound like free bee, eat as much as you can......drink as much as you can, BUT order as expensive as you can never out of your own pocket (even I had my most expensive scotch moment there).... coz that's the best part of corporate parties!!!

There are always two groups in these parties, and to be very frank, you are not the one who can choose the group. The only criteria is self imposed perception of your manager which puts you in one of them.

The only way to find out "in which group you lie" is directly proportional to the time you were engaged in conversation with your manager, and who was leading the conversation.
The closer you move.......more fake you grow in a corporate party.

Although BUT theory (there is always a but) works in every situation in the life, BUT it works exceptionally well in the CORPORATE life. Your whole career depends on this BUT (although on other one also some times).......you are talented BUT you are not trying hard.....
exceptional work BUT there is a scope of improvement........blah blah BUT blah blah.......

The worst part is that you are always the victim of this BUT.

You are surely the victim of Areas Of Improvement and the worst part is that you'll never improve on anything. It's a Vicious circle that revolves around BUTs.

With the use of the BUT theory, all your "goods" are surgically removed by Mr. AWESOME Kumar (senior manager).

That's the reason I hate complimentary expensive things, coz for them, the price is Y.O.U.

My fake plants died coz I did not pretend to water them :(